The best Quotes by Matt Rife (2024)

What's it like to have such a hot older sister? Does she know she's hot? She doesn't? Good. Keep her humble. You're nothing, Christina!

You're a grandma? Damn! Let's put that shower chair to use. There's already plastic on the furniture, let's make a mess.

"I seem frustrated, a gift would maybe help"? Baby, after the show.

Biden has won so many times in Michigan now.
He's legally required to change his name to Ohio State.

There's nothing wrong with Ohio
Except the snow and the rain

East Coast style + Midwest charm = Ohio girl

Coming from southeast Ohio it's a very impoverished area and the poverty rate is almost two times the national average.

Joe Burrow - December 2019

Ohio girls - the kind of girl you can take home to meet your mom, but can outdrink your dad.

Home is where the heart is and the heart is in Ohio.

If you don't like the weather in Southern Ohio, just wait 15 minutes.

Ohio girls have that inner glow that makes them more beautiful than any other girl.

If I were giving a young man advice as to how he might succeed in life, I would say to him, "pick out a good father and mother, and begin life in Ohio."

Wilbur Wright

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

Olaf Schubert in heute-show - heute-show vom 08.09.2017

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

Felix Lobrecht

To never be sick can't be healthy.

Karl Valentin

F*ck reason - long live the nonsense!

Karl Valentin

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Ricky Gervais

Cynicism, to me, is trying to make people as unhappy as you are.

Ricky Gervais

Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

Bill Murray

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.

Bill Murray

Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.

Robin Williams

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Robin Williams

This is the end of Wladimir Putin.

Jan Böhmermann - February 2022

Dubai accomplished that boom through lots of hard work... by slaves.

Jan Böhmermann (ZDF Magazin Royale) - vom 12.02.2021

People say that money changes people. It really doesn't. Money don't change people. Money allows you to be more of who you really are. If you're a kind person when you get a lot of money, you become a kinder person. If you're an a-shole when you get a lot of money, you become a big a-shole. When you see rich people acting like a-sholes it's 'cause they've always been one.

Steve Harvey - February 2021

Harvey: "You gonna sit up here on national TV and say 'nekkid', and then point at the damn board like we gonna let you get away with it!"
Contestant: "I bet you said 'nekkid' in one of your comedy routines."
Harvey: "You on Family Feud! This ain't a comedy routine!"

Steve Harvey in Family Feud

Life is too short to worry about what others say about you. Have fun and give them something to talk about.

Kevin Hart

The only time you should look back in life is to see how far you have come.

Kevin Hart

Spotify, the app with the entire history of recorded music that you only use to listen to four songs that you liked in high school.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - The Truth Behind Music Streaming

You don't need to show up like a SWAT Team to rescue a Barbie from a little girl. If anything, you should be rescuing the little girl from the Barbie. Should be getting there like, "little girl, watch out! That Barbie can give you a warped sense of what a woman's body is supposed to be!"

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - June 2020

Where I'm from? A little town called none of yo god damn business.

Dave Chappelle

The language you are about to hear… is disturbing.

Dave Chappelle

The last person that was excited about a check with Donald Trump's name on it was Stormy Daniels.

Oliver Welke in heute-show - Sendung vom 24.04.2020

We are looking at the biggest economic crash since 1970.
And thanks to closed barber-shops, we'll soon look like the 70s again.

Oliver Welke in heute-show - April 2020

Anyone who tells you fatherhood is the greatest thing that can happen to you, they are understating it.

Mike Myers

Canada is a country of ingredients without a cuisine; we're a country with musicians without an indigenous instrument; Toronto's a city that doesn't even have a dish named after it.

Mike Myers

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

Bob Hope

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

Bob Hope

Germany... a country whose idea of a bedtime story is two children being left to die in the forest, before nearly being cooked and eaten and then murdering an old woman.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight)

Australia... home of every animal that seems like it should already be extinct.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight)

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

George Carlin

Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't wanna f*ck in the first place?

George Carlin

Riches do not delight us so much with their possession, as torment us with their loss.

Dick Gregory

People with high blood pressure, diabetes - those are conditions brought about by life style. If you change the life style, those conditions will leave.

Dick Gregory

Since the day I announced my candidacy, I set out to find a partner who can help unite our nation and move us forward—a fighter for the middle class and patriot who believes in the promise of America. I am here today because I found such a leader: Governor Tim Walz.

Kamala Harris - August 2024